Although the  viral blogging campaign about transparency, fear and anxiety  has started over a month ago, it’s the perfect moment for me to open up.

I’m in Poland, digging into my childhood, visiting my preschool, school, every home I’ve ever lived in (like…6 until I was 14), asking questions about grandparents etc etc. I’m getting older and I want to know. I want to know.

And it’s not that perfect, but also beautiful at the same time. The past has created the present and the present wants some public attention. It’s so brave to talk about money online (or the struggle with it), crying in front of employees, having dirty toilets and anxiety. I’m ready to expose myself. Ready? Let’s go!

 

Things I’m afraid to tell you.

1. I’m proudly Polish, but I try so hard to explain it. 

Whenever I have a pleasure to meet a new client or just a stranger, I try very hard to impress. I’ve heard all the jokes about Poles and — telling the truth — we, Poles, all have similar jokes about other nations. For some reason, very quickly, I try to make sure everyone understands how educated I am and how much I have achieved in life all by myself. And, let me tell you, all my Polish friends have Masters and are just incredibly smart. So, there is goes, the way of me telling you that Polish people aren’t stupid. *sick*

2. I’m a total loner. 

I have a group of close friends, but I could count my beloved ones on the fingers of my hand. Maybe on 3 fingers.
There was once this fantastic Starbuck’s barista who would always greet us the moment we would pass the door. He’d talk to us like no one else, always smiling with awesome pure joy. One day we sat down for a little chat and he asked us, if we’re introverts or extraverts. He started talking about himself and I never forgot how he explained hismself :

I get the energy from being alone.

That’s exactly how I feel. That’s the reason why I don’t go to some of the parties you’re inviting me to. Sorry!  I love painting, reading, thinking the most. I usually have a glass of wine next to me. Or that delish Belgium Lambic.

3. I’m not there yet.

I’m trying to make it happen in illustration world, but I’m not there yet. I’m struggling with deciding about my forte; is it illustration, is it some kind of pattern/surface work or should it be a fine art. Deeply, deeply in my heart I’d love to be a fine artist, but I grew up in the country that doesn’t believe that art can be any reliable source of income, or any source of income for that matter.

4. Sometimes I use tracing paper.

It’s ridiculous how bad I feel about this. I know so many people use projectors, tracing or tablets and trace images, so I shouldn’t feel wrong. But I do. Sometimes I want to make sure I spend time on painting, not drawing and I cheat with tracing. It’s fast, takes the pressure out.

5. I’m horrible at house work.

I don’t cook, I don’t clean too much and I can’t imagine gardening. Every time I need to make a meal, I’m getting an anxiety attack. Cooking (and I’m mostly raw) is a waste of time for me. TV is a waste of time as well, unless it’s Revenge.

6. I had a miscarriage and I’m ok with it. Today.

I was pregnant once and I wanted this baby so much. I lost it in my 3th+ month, down the toilet and it was horrifying. At that moment I didn’t have any plans for staying in US, I was in a relationship with a Polish man, so I’ve decided to procrastinate on paying the hospital bills. It took a toll on my credit score and I worked hard on improving it. It was a huge tragedy for me at that moment, but today I know I wouldn’t be where I am if that baby was born. The relationship wasn’t right, the time for having a family wasn’t ok and I am just too selfish. Also, I know now I’m not motherly enough and I don’t want kids. At all.

7. I tan naked.

You can find me on the patio

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Is discounting artwork a good idea?	Neil Gaiman explains the artist’s life
Is discounting artwork a good idea?
Neil Gaiman explains the artist’s life